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Title: Lusty Sex
Pairing: HinaxSaku
Rating: probably NC-17
Summary: Hinata decides to have some fun with Sakura. (Basically its just sex between the two)
Author: Me
Warning: LEMON !,
 
"OH GOD... HINATA... mm... don't Ha!" Sakura moaned loudly at having her breast being sucked upon.

Hinata sucked hard, as one of her hands twisted and played with the other breast. She trailed the other hand down the woman's stomach towards her core. She smirked into the sucking as her hand twisted the pink pussy.

"HA Hinata.. urgh nnn.. do that again..." Sakura moaned out, thrusting up at the feeling.

Her body was hot and heavy. Feeling another woman's naked skin against her own was making her very very hot. Her body was now slick from the heat, her breast felt heavy her woman hood felt realy hard from the feeling.

Hinata kissed the woman's lips passionately thrusting her tounge into the wet caverns. In on hard thrust her fingers dug into the other woman's virginia.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.." Sakura screamed into the kiss. Being greedy she to thursted her fingers up into Hinata's core making her cry out in pleasure.

Both thrusted each other, moving in and out of one another's wet opening. Hinata tiring of the movement grabbed Sakura's hands and forced them above her head. She whimpered a bit once the feeling of the fingures were lost. She to pulled out her own fingures from the girls sweet core.  Hinata smirked as she began to lick the hot and heavy flesh before sucking it into her mouth.

"MY GOD.. OH.. OH.. SWEET HEAVENS MORE MORE.. HINATA!!!" Sakura screamed at the harsh sucking on her woman hood.

Hinata thrusted her tounge into the womans opening feeling the tight confinds of the core. Licking the walls and feeling the plushing heat and the oozing of the juice, turned her on even more. She stopped sucking to look down at the girl below her.

"Tell me Sakura.. who fucks you best..." Hinata asked thrusting her pussy against the pink haired woman.

"HINATA.. hum..." Sakura squealed grabbing onto the girls shoulders.

She leaned up and started to suck on of her breast feeling the hot and heavy flesh in her mouth. "Mm.. thats right Sakura.. " Hinata began to grind harder. Both women moaned, and groaned out in pleasure at feeling one anothers pussy against anothers.  Sakura thrusted along with Hinata harder and faster the pleasure exploding into there bodies at the contact. They screamed each others names as they both came. They laid there breathing harshly.

"That was amazing Hinata.." Sakura commented, earning a smirk from Hinata.

"Thanks Sakura.. but we aren't done yet.." Sakura looked up at her in confusion. Hinata smirked "Ready for round two..?" 

Sorry if it sucked.. but this is my first time in writing a yuri fict. So please go easy on me...
 
 
 
 
 
 
Wow, you dug in pretty deep for your first stab at yuri. I'm sad to have to say, however, that it really doesn't own up. I'm going to go out on a limb and presume that you're mature enough to take constructive criticism where it is due, so please excuse me if I sound a bit harsh in the following critique.

First of all, your title. While it certainly works as a descriptor, I found it difficult to move on taking the story seriously. Sex is all well and good, and lust is certainly a component, but when that's all you can come up with to label your work, it's not especially encouraging.

As for the story itself... I don't know, maybe you just threw yourself out of your depth in tackling this subject matter.

Now, I'm sure someone out there could write Hinata in such a manner in such a situation and make it believable-- maybe you could even be that person. This does not hold much promise for the notion. As is, I was left boggling at this behavior from Hinata. Your Sakura presents another sort of problem altogether; in spite of her vocal presence and eventual return favors, she's almost a shadow of a participant, and less than that of her true self. Sex, as I said, is all well and good, but if I click into a story advertising sex between Hinata and Sakura, I expect Hinata and Sakura to make an appearance rather than to find their names attached to what amount to cardboard cut-outs of unconvincing pod people.

You have a lot of sexxin' going on for such a short bit; that's the story, and to be perfectly blunt, we don't even have to worry about who the characters are meant to be. Yet there's nothing especially exciting about the action. It's all a lot of screaming and moaning and sucking and thrusting that really just doesn't coax out much of any sort of reaction. It feels slapped on for the sake of it, and that's especially bothersome when there's nothing to slap it on to.

I hate to keep piling up, but the writing doesn't make any notable effort to carry these weaknesses. It is doggedly childish, often repetitive and occasionally amusing. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I've never posted a story with bad syntax, but most of the mistakes you've made are laughable at best, and it's hard to excuse then in a work of just past four hundred words.

My advice is to try again-- either take a shot at revamping this story or writing a new one, but put some real effort into it instead of just throwing your head at a notion and your fingers at the keyboard, and have it beta read. You may be able to contribute some truly stellar stories to fandom, but this will not stand as one of them.
Hate to say but this story isn't mine, its my little sister's. I allowed her to use my account to get a taste of what posting a story is like... Of what she did or done while on my account is none of my bussness.

I mostly write yaoi, not yuri. When ever I do write yuri it will probably be a pairing I like (Which HinaxSaku is one of them). Anyway I don't feel much emotion when I write yuri but I do put a whole lot of passion into writing all my stories.

But this was my sister's first post, and I say she really needs to find a beta or somethin... and she needs to work on it ALOT!

~Cw
P.S: Since you put so much trouble into writing that long comment for a story my sister wrote. SO
Thank You for the comment..